I choose to believe that each love has its own time. The love we have now is buried, so deep that you don’t know what it is yet. Neither do I. It’s still something precious, something that gives life. Your love is burning embers in the night.
I don’t know what the future holds - maybe I would like something ‘good’ to come out of this; whatever that even means. Or maybe I wouldn’t. I honestly don’t know what’s good for me at this point.
But it feels so good. This sweetness of sharing a glance with you across the room. And seeing your repressed smile as you read my text or hear the sound of my name. And the smell of your shadow as you linger around. This all, is simple, quiet pleasure.
The human heart is indeed capable of many a vain imagining though, and what grief it would be if once again I realise that this was all reality; but to me alone.
I find this a struggle I guess. It’s (painfully) difficult to navigate through this.
I remind my soul that my worth doesn’t depend on the happiness in your eyes when you look my way; or the number of times you speak to me till I sleep at night.
Well, the fact is that Attraction is just such a painful word.
A midst the waves of emotions; the crests and many troughs; I choose to dwell on all things good and pleasing. And the truth that my identity rests in His hands. That I was loved and pursued way before any other boy did. And that this Love never ends. So much so, that often I can’t grasp its extent.
Sometimes I revert back to the escapist me. I wish life would be just an car ride in the night. Without any particular destination of course. With blurred amber street lights whizzing past; all against the serenity of the pale moon in the distance. Just the right amount of tolerable frenzy (if I may call it that) nestled in soft tranquility.
No hurts, no vulnerability. Just watching from afar.
Lord I’m hurt and scared. There is nothing I can do now but to believe that You will help me in my time of need. Just like you did with David.